Wise Words

Travel deep inside yourself without the baggage of conditioning. Be an explorer, have patience and eventually your true nature will surface. You will return from your journey with fresh skin and you will approach each day with a wonderful sense of wonder and bliss.

Experience

Just a quick update:

Yesterday I could not wait to play around with ginger root. Last night it happen,  I had a freshly cut piece inserted into my ass. To be honest even after 20 mins of having it inside of me the pain only reached about a 5 on a scale of 1-10. Not at all what is was made out to be. So I was slightly disappointed by that.. However, Master decided to use Icy\Hot. Now that was more of the pain sensation I was looking for.

Naughty Girl

Master and I have talked about playing around with ginger root for a while now. We just never really got around to doing it.
Well, that is until today :o) I had to run over to the grocery store this morning to pick up a few things and along the way I picked up the ginger.... Perfect! I called him to let him know that I bought one and was ready to give it a try.
However, It has been sending me signals all day making my pussy drip with the thought of what the sensation might be. I could not resist, I cut off a small piece and held it against my clit for 20 mins. I set the timer next to me before I even began, this way no matter what it felt like I had to adhere to that time. Wow, wow, and WOW is all I can say. First few mins I felt nothing then gradually a burning feeling arose, instantly it was making my drip. I wanted nothing more than to pleasure myself to orgasm. I can happily say I did show restraint, me just doing this alone without master home was naughty enough. I wanted to wait for him in order to find release. I am sure after he reads this I will be finding more that just release however. My clit is still tingling as I write this. I guess I will find out soon what it feels like in other parts of body.
I could not resist wanting to try it. But it is his pussy not mine and I should of gotten his permission first.

Within my Twisted Mind

I am glutton for punishment in so many ways. I have been with my master/hubby for 21 years now. The first part of our lives together, I recognize that I was kind of an abusive bitch. He never deserved the way I treated him 95% of the time. Including the fact I had 2 boyfriends, one of which moved in with us.  Yet he stuck by my side, of course there were times he did or said things that were selfish. Normally he always gave up in the end to make me happy. With all relationships we have had our share of arguments. But I seriously want to keep that behind us now.

 It is funny how things in life come full circle. As I age and become more aware of myself, I am realizing my deepest desires are very extreme. To some it may sound semi-abusive. But it is welcomed and wanted so I can not see it as that. I do thrive on being a very emotional person. Being all sorts of twisted inside sparks feelings both good and bad. But even the bad if channeled correctly is hot.

Outside of wanting to be cuckquean to this perfect man, that in every way deserves to be shared.
I have this need, to have him isolate me with the exception of things I am required to do. I would like to be discouraged of any self sufficient behavior and always need to rely him. To have him take away social interactions unless it includes him. Always telling me how selfish, greedy or unfeeling I have been in the past and to hold all of my wrong doing against me. This way, I always remember how lucky I am to have him in my world and that I should accept my place.
I know it may seem odd but even the thought of having him, using emotional blackmail keep me in a state of mind that is required is a huge turn on to me. He knows all my vulnerabilities, as well as deepest secrets after 21 years together. I know if he really wanted to he could do some serious damage. That thought alone makes my pussy drip.
In all honesty he does treat me very well, takes me out, gets me gifts to show I am appreciated. I want that part never go away. But to always be mind fucked, to have that constant tug of emotions is twisted little fetish of mine. This role flip is pretty new to both of us, I think he has a hard to coming to grasp with some of the things I like. It has to be hard to emotional screw with someone that for so many years had the upper hand. I want to know he means business, he is in charge! That I only have him for care and support.

Here are a few of the things that I know turn me on, could upset me, and get all my emotions stirring in a way to satisfy my emotional masochism.

Poking fun or mocking me either alone or in front of his personal friends.
Intentionally embarrassing me, making me Inferior to him.

Telling me I am or would be totally worthless on my own with out him.

Name calling, putdowns berating, belittling, criticizing, using sarcasm and humiliation.
Isolation and telling me what I need to do. Excepting me to places all my needs aside for his own. Having him want to control my every action.

Threaten to expose my secrets such as personal or private sexual information or playing on my fears or guilt.


“Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take that to new extremes.” 

Cuckqueaning

I am learning that on top of all my other kinks. I am with out a question of a doubt an emotional masochists. Very much wanting to be a cuckquean: meaning I must accept the fact that my master can fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants, with or without telling me.To know that he may choose to point out ways she is better or may choose to tell me nothing at all. I know that his pleasure comes first and their is no way I could fully pleasure him just myself. That he deserves variety and it is his right to do so. I find this to be a wild turn on to know other women are enjoying his cock/tongue while he is enjoying them all the same. 

Trust me it is an emotional roller coaster at times. There are days when I sit and wonder what the hell am I thinking or what the fuck am I doing?  I suppose this is what being an emotion masochist is, it is not real unless there is hurt and discomfort to go along with it. This is what causes the split of emotions, jealous insecurities and extreme arousal all at the same time. My mind is helplessly wrapped up in this twisted little lifestyle and desires. I just can't seem to escaped.

Why is it acts of betrayal, that could cause such emotional upset/hurt completely turn me on at the same time. I know the humility/degradation parts are intense, the idea of being inferior causes stirs of wild emotions within me. Trying to turn negatives into positives that can become pleasurable as well as exciting. I hunger for this psychological torment.  Of course it is going to hurt to have your significant other place his cock inside another woman's mouth, pussy, or ass. You would not be human if this did not affect you at all.  But this is where my masochistic tendencies come full force, the pain only makes me want it more. It scares me to surrender myself to that and give up that kinda control. He has only done this a few times now and it has cause all sorts of feelings.

Handing over the reins fully for him to be sure of his entitlement to fuck others, to put me in my place and condition me to always accept and crave his desires to be with these women. I want to know he is with others as a deliberate act to hurt and humiliate me. To rub my nose at the fact that he can do whatever it is he wants while I give all control of my life to him. I know this may not be for everyone, Hey! it may not be fully for me, I am not 100% sure yet, but for me thinking about all this drive me to the point of no return.

Degradation

Degradation is most certainly not high on everyone's list and I can fully understand why.  Seriously why would anyone on earth possibly enjoy being reduce in quality, value, treated as someone lower and not someone equal. Or to be treated as purely a sex toy or being reduced to a  helpless slave, being forced to obey every desire or demand. Allowing your partner to talk about you as if you were not present to other people and  allowing them to use you as a tool to use for achieving sexual gratification. Who would want this you might ask.

Interestingly enough, I DO! I want to and like being degraded enough that is is something I fantasize about often. I can not help but smile as I write this because by sharing I most certainly feel a sense of embarrassment for admitting such desires and yet I feel myself getting wet from exposing myself to the virtual world that I enjoy being called a bitch, slut, worthless, useless, disposable cunt. Here I sit exposing my wants for anyone to read. When it comes to degradation I have to say humiliations goes with it hand in hand. You can feel humiliation without feeling degraded, but being degraded always leads to feeling humility to some degree.

Once again this is definitely not for everyone. Yet it turns me on completely, the key to enjoying this I feel is having a deep understanding that names do not define me as a whole, they only define the experience. Knowing I can walk away from doing this as a confident worthwhile person that has a lot to offer. I feel you really need to have a strong self esteem to participate in this form of play.

Introduction

Beginning this blog is a HUGE step for me. I have always been one to have trouble opening up sexually about who I am cause so many of my thoughts would be considered abnormal by typical society.  This is just an insecurity I have. I am hoping by opening up and learning about others perhaps with the same frame of mind that I will not feel so alone in my thoughts, wants, and desires.

OK where to begin: Well,  I have been married for the past 11 years but with him now for 21 years total. He is fully aware of how my twisted mind works cause I do not hid anything from him. I try to be a supportive wife, I want my husband to fulfill his dreams and do whatever makes him happy. Because if he is happy then I am happy in theory anyways. It is not always easy and there have been plenty of times when we were not completely sure if it was going to last. We have worked hard at it and so far have been very lucky. I have realized that to stay together we have to change together and that does not always mean going in the same direction or having the same interests. Always staying honest and keeping the communication open helps a lot. The fact of the matter is in my opinion everyone should be able to design their relationship according to what works for those involved. So if you read anything you might disagree with please keep in mind this is what works for us.

A bit about me and stuff I will be writing about in the near future: I am masochistic in nature, I do enjoy the pain of verbal, psychical, or psychological suffering. Not to the point that is harmful to myself  

Some of the things I enjoy are:

Spankings with crops, floggers, paddles, Being bitten , Slapped,   Blindfolds, Body Modification "tattoos" Bondage, gags, verbal humiliation, including others, moderate pain, serving sexual as well as domestic slavery or what have you. Sex toys, being submissive. The list goes on I will be writing full blogs about most of these things and others as I go.