Cuckqueaning

I am learning that on top of all my other kinks. I am with out a question of a doubt an emotional masochists. Very much wanting to be a cuckquean: meaning I must accept the fact that my master can fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants, with or without telling me.To know that he may choose to point out ways she is better or may choose to tell me nothing at all. I know that his pleasure comes first and their is no way I could fully pleasure him just myself. That he deserves variety and it is his right to do so. I find this to be a wild turn on to know other women are enjoying his cock/tongue while he is enjoying them all the same. 

Trust me it is an emotional roller coaster at times. There are days when I sit and wonder what the hell am I thinking or what the fuck am I doing?  I suppose this is what being an emotion masochist is, it is not real unless there is hurt and discomfort to go along with it. This is what causes the split of emotions, jealous insecurities and extreme arousal all at the same time. My mind is helplessly wrapped up in this twisted little lifestyle and desires. I just can't seem to escaped.

Why is it acts of betrayal, that could cause such emotional upset/hurt completely turn me on at the same time. I know the humility/degradation parts are intense, the idea of being inferior causes stirs of wild emotions within me. Trying to turn negatives into positives that can become pleasurable as well as exciting. I hunger for this psychological torment.  Of course it is going to hurt to have your significant other place his cock inside another woman's mouth, pussy, or ass. You would not be human if this did not affect you at all.  But this is where my masochistic tendencies come full force, the pain only makes me want it more. It scares me to surrender myself to that and give up that kinda control. He has only done this a few times now and it has cause all sorts of feelings.

Handing over the reins fully for him to be sure of his entitlement to fuck others, to put me in my place and condition me to always accept and crave his desires to be with these women. I want to know he is with others as a deliberate act to hurt and humiliate me. To rub my nose at the fact that he can do whatever it is he wants while I give all control of my life to him. I know this may not be for everyone, Hey! it may not be fully for me, I am not 100% sure yet, but for me thinking about all this drive me to the point of no return.